Sunday morning, the 18th July, 8.30 a.m. and the first shock of the 2004 tour. Joe O'Hara arrives, on time, packed and ready to go. Everybody begins to assemble, and the advance guard depart to supervise the tour accommodation. On the A3, Transport Commandant Simpson is on the dog, "Where are the Bhatt boys?"

How unusual, Harish is late, and the Commandant is threatening to leave without him. Patience prevails, the Bhatt boys arrive, and the tour bus departs. This leaves only the Rai party to get on the road, but as Bobby can make London to Portsmouth in less than the time it takes the rest of us to make a cup of tea, he should be in time. As it happens, the bus is in the ferry queue as Bobby arrives, and he makes the next trip.

Unbelievably, there are 15 Denham players at the hotel by 12.30, rooms allocated, and ready for the first game. Ryde C.C. beckons, and the first U-turn of the tour is accomplished, as yours truly says: "We're almost there," and navigator Dickson states "You can see it from the road." Oh, there it went. Stick to bugling Dicko. If I'm ever on your stretcher, I'm giving the directions.

Toss won, we'll bat, and openers Tobin & Simpson take to the crease. Sun shining, Tobin fancies a quick pint, and repairs to the bar. Before the pint is poured, partner Simpson, jealous of the early refreshment, appears demanding the same. 14 for 2, and Saberwhal (I'm sure that's Mowgli's surname from the Jungle Book) and O'Hara inch us towards respectability. Joe bounces one off the sun, and I am called into action. Boring for England, I, (Tourmeister Payne), grind out 58, and with assistance from Bobby, with a fine 29, and knocks from Dickson and Grover, we eventually make 172. Ryde's Aussie, Blake, and youngster Hall bowled well, and now it was up to Denham's bowlers to make them work.

Openers Dickson and Grover were a little expensive, but with Dicko picking up the first wicket (his 299th) and Akhil picking up 1 for 34 from 4, opening bat Oatley was seeing Ryde home comfortably. It was at 137 for 4 that Bobby got him for 80, and an inspired bowling change by stand-in skipper Simpson (original skipper Payne having retired on the grounds of keeping wicket and being knackered), Tobin the Ripper took 2 for 2 in 1 over. This led to panic in the Ryde ranks, but sanity prevailed, and the winning runs were knocked off at 175 for 8.

A few beers were imbibed at the ground before we repaired to our hotel, where even more were quaffed.

Monday, day at leisure, most made breakfast, and people departed for open top bus tours of the island, swimming, and general holiday pursuits. Chris Johnson was found walking up towards the town centre. Unable to remember which hotel we were staying in, and without anyone's phone number, he was going to the Crown to have a beer and await being found. Transport Commandant Simpson had taken to his bed, and was not to rise until the evening. Is this what touring has become? Evening card school was not pretty, with Martin Kennealy proving that not only his dog tips are crap, and Joe O'Hara working on the principal that he must win one of them. Even Dicko lost, so some good came of it. The sight of Jack and Flash giggling uncontrollably, and Bobby orchestrating in the background, made me realise Woodbines have come a long way since I was at school.

Tuesday, and off to Brading. Bobby Rai skipper, and I am berated for not being at the ground 30 minutes before the start. The toss is won by the opposition, who surprisingly insert us. With knocks of 44 from Akhil and 21 from Martin, we achieve a respectable total of 180, with Sunday's bowling hero Tobin not out 12 coming in at No. 10.

Opening our attack, Dicko eventually got his 300th wicket, but his partner, Martin Kennealy tried to prove others than Buckinghams can make Brading their own. With a spell of 1 over for 16 runs, including 3 wides, Martin was making an early play for a tour award. Cometh the hour, cometh the man, and Jack Grover with 5 for 28, ground down the opposition, before golden arm Tobin wrapped it up with 1 for 15 from 6.2. The opposition roundly condemned their skipper for putting us in, but he reckoned it good touring.

Staying behind for sausage and chips and a few beers with the opposition, we were forced to threaten major fines on the skipper for the day, who had transported himself back to the hotel to shower in private. Has he something to hide, is Bobby hermaphrodite? He and Akhil just made it back for the fines committee.

On to Wednesday, and off to Plessey. Having discovered the whereabouts of the ground the day before, and arranging to meet Paul Hazell and Dave Maynard at the ferry port, we set out in convoy, with myself at the head.

Coming to a set of traffic lights, I crossed, but the tour bus was halted. Stopping at a bus stop to await the tour mobile, we were surprised to be overtaken by the bus, who had no idea where the ground was. Carrying on, we arrived at the ferry port, to see Paul and Dave in the middle of the road, waving at the bus, which was motoring towards Cowes. They thought they had been forgotten.

Further down the road, the dog rings, "Where's the ground?" asks the team, having told them it was a left turn at a set of lights by a pub with a large red sign, the question comes back "Is it anywhere near a garage?" On asking if there is a pub near it, we arrived at the lights, and saw the pub, however, the bus, not seeing the pub, but being fixated on a garage, had gone straight on. Telling them to turn round, they discover you cannot turn right at the lights. However, the garage at last comes in useful, and the bus turns into the garage, through a no entry sign (may as well have turned right at the lights) and finally pick up with the rest of the convoy.

You'll be needing a wee map, Tourmeister

We had been told it was the best ground on the island, and the day before they had entertained the M.C.C. or an island representative match. We were to use the same strip, and what a belter. A 35 over game was decided, and as the opposition only had 10, I availed myself of a berth with them. Opener Westhorpe looked a class act, until deceived by canny Ashworth, and with Ince scoring 51 before being run out, it was up to yours truly to rattle a quick 15 before falling on my sword. Plessey reached 213 for 5, including 54 extras. Akhil with 2 for 26 off 5 was the pick of the Denham bowling.

Denham's response was solid, with 37 from Flash, restored to his place as opener, 31 from Chris in the middle order, the backbone of the innings was a fine 72 from Johnny-come-lately Maynard. However, with little contribution from the lower middle order, we declined from 142 for 2 to 165 for 8. With 11 from Phil Ashworth and 14 n.o. from Mr. Simpson we eventually perished for 193.

A fine game, on a good wicket, the highlight of the day was umpire Peter Schembri being taken under the wing of the Plessey umpire, and shown his array of spare balls and bails. Peter's eyes lit up at such sights, and can't wait to return for a return sighting. The fixture was drunk in, and we were cordially invited back. Harish displayed his ball control on the pool table, and Paul spent most of the afternoon wearing out his thumb.

Thursday, and Ryde Cavaliers beckon. Joe is captain for the day, and has worked out with military precision his plan of campaign. We have another soldier with us today, Mark Dalton having driven over. It's a 35-overs match. Ryde bat, and despite an accurate opening spell by Jack and Akhil, accumulate 202 for 6. Martin Kennealy turned in one of his best bowling performances, and was seen to actually look where he was bowling it: 2 for 42 off 7 wasn't bad. Paul with 0 for 40 off 5 and Mark with 1 for 44 off 5 were more expensive, and skipper Joe, hiding his light under a bushel, had 1 wicket off 1 maiden at the death. For the Cavaliers, a solid 60 by Moxlow was the highlight.

Denham's response was classical, with prodigy Kevin Jones late cutting the Ryde attack to all parts before departing for a glorious 6. Flash contributed 23, and Chris Johnson blasted one skywards, going for 1. At the crease, Paul Hazell and Dave Maynard. They had travelled together, and could they now contrive another tour win. It was possible, but Paul batting with a piece of driftwood, secured at great expense on e-bay, mightily clubbed one, that with a cricket bat would have left the ground. However, the driftwood propelled the ball to cover where it was gobbled up. Paul was gone for 15, Dave followed him for 17, and when skipper Joe was run out for 30, the innings subsided to 122 all out. The lower order, hoping to profit by the opposition taking their foot off the necks of their prone victims, were disappointed, as Ryde Cavaliers kept the pressure on.

Still, a few beers, and we re-assembled at the bar for the tour awards ceremony. The bowling award was closely contested, with golden arm Tobin making a bold attempt, but the decision was given to Jack Grover for his 5-for, and total of 8 wickets.

The batting was no contest, with Kev Jones being the obvious choice for his sparkling display. Indeed, so good was his performance, that word had got to our opponents for Friday, Ventnor, who cried off stating they were unable to field a side. None of their bowlers were willing to face such a mighty opponent.

Tour entertainment award was also no contest. Bobby Rai had kept us amused all week with manic comments, madcap ideas, the longest woodbines seen on the island, parking tickets kept on windscreens until they bred, and finally getting a police escort back to the hotel, before remembering he had given his room key to a stranger. Showering only in private (or with Akhil !!), berating me for being 5 minutes late, and believing his car capable of in excess of 200 m.p.h. If one person can provide enough entertainment to replace the efforts of 2 Buckinghams, may Bobby come on tour forever.

With Ventnor crying off in the wake of super hero Kev Jones, it was decided to return home on the Friday, and another tour came to a satisfying conclusion. 4 games, 1 win 3 defeats, up to 19 players on the island at one time:

GOOD TOURING