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Denham Sunday XI v Knotty Green XI

June 28th 2009

Murky skies above Cheapside Lane

At just before 2pm on Sunday Denham won the toss and the Knotty Green players thought that they would be punished by having to field all afternoon in the Scorchio weather present at that time.

As it was, the clouds blocked out all sunlight from then on and provided conditions that were murkier than your mum’s tits. And as if to complement the drabness of the skies, the Denham batting began the innings in a drab fashion, largely due to the excellent bowling and fielding of the opposition.

After losing Rulach to a direct hit run-out, there was little filth bowled for Nicholas, J and Bowry, R to punish as they trickled the score onto only 77 for 1 after 20 overs.

It was then that the unfortunate incident occurred. Club Chairman Bill Nicholas, bored to death by the slow run-rate, launched a protest by burning his entire tank-top collection just outside the pavilion, creating a horrible smell that did not amuse the spectators. Nicholas then started to dance around the flaming heap bearing his hairy chest and babbling incoherently something about changing light-bulbs. Eventually several players persuaded the Chairman to stop this mad display and the game continued - but not before the reality of what he had done dawned upon him. The Denham faithful then tragically witnessed the bedraggled Chairman rummaging through the remains of the bonfire, searching for a tank-top that had escaped the inferno.

Back on the square, it seemed however that the protest had worked. Bowry, R (133) and Nicholas, J (81 not out) went berserk in a 200+ run partnership that left Knotty Green chasing 256 for victory!

Sadly Nicholas Senior did not witness the exciting cricket as he had been sectioned (after much wailing and gnashing of teeth) by his own wife Sheila, who then put these concerns behind her by producing a very fine tea which included some delightful banana sandwiches which I for one did not know existed.

The Knotty Green innings that succeeded the tea could be characterised by the following three problems:

1. Internal battles about who should update the scoreboard.

2. Very honest umpiring.

3. An over-reliance on extras as a run-scorer.

If any of these problems could have been resolved then the Green might have got closer to their target.

1 obviously put their batsmen in a bad frame of mind and may have contributed to 3. And because of 2 too many stumpings and lbw decisions were given which did their cause no good at all. But they put in a valiant effort all the same, finally being bowled out for about 160.

Their dangerous left-handed number 8 was the best batsmen and last man out for 48, and as long as he stayed at the crease Knotty had a chance of victory. But he did not account for a devilish Schemberi beamer which he skied to Rulach - who also took two other good catches.

As the match concluded, everyone had forgotten all about the earlier unfortunate incident, and no-one cared about the dreadful smell of burnt tank-tops left lingering in the air. So it was a good Denham victory, and Bitchie Raithwaite received the man-of-the-match award for nobbling Bowry towards the end of the game when they both attempted to take the same catch.

Bowry later described the collision as: “like being hit by Appollo Creed”, and when one considers the uncanny likeness between Bitchie and Carl Weathers - the actor who plays the aforesaid boxer - one wonders if they are not, in fact, the same person.

Whatever the truth, a lesson has been learned - do not mess with Bitchie Raithwaite.

Anonymous Addendum: Some more heroes of the day

“After the hammering by Bowry and Nicholas, Knotty were demoralised and never really threatened, despite a brief late rally from opening bowler Ritchie who scored 48. They were all out for 164 in 32 overs, with wickets from Hemen Mehta (3), Harish Bhatt (1), Morgan Rees (1), Richie (5 overs 1 for 5), Alex Marman (1) and Richard Schembri (1). Ray Rulach took two blinding catches and Alan Coulson got three stumpings. The only negative of the day was the collision between Russell and Richie when going for a catch.

Russell had to retire from the field and the usual running banter stopped. After the match he spent a very quiet half hour slumped in a chair not taking part in the normal "joshing" at the bar. Get well soon Russ!”

Next week Birkbeck College .

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