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Denham 2nd XI v Amersham HillXI

July 11th 2009

A dark day for cricket

Murky skies above Cheapside Lane - and that was before it got really dark...

When people think on this weekend of cricket in years to come it will perhaps be the valiant tail-end partnership that they remember. It will maybe be the questionable lbw decisions on which the game may have turned or it could be the telling part the rain played in proceedings. As in Cardiff, so in Denham, as the great John Fashanu once predicted. Awooga.

Before even a ball was bowled on Saturday afternoon, tragedy struck as Denham lost the toss and were consigned to an afternoon of watching Mark Shepard bowl 15 overs for 17 runs and 3 wickets. Hemen Mehta also took 3 from the same end. Honourable mentions also to Jack Grover, the Kirbivore, Ralph Rulach and Morgan Rees who grafted away and held Amersham Hill to 200 all out in the 51st over, although if truth be told, Denham had done enough within the technicalities of the game to have closed it down at about 150.

A mighty fine tea was taken, as Ray got his baps out for all to enjoy. This reporter also tucked in to some juicy melons and a French fancy. The omission of pink wafers was not as much of a problem as it has been on recent Sundays, and the devilishly spicy cheese and chili baps turned out to be less than diabolical due to the inclusion of chili in homeopathic proportions.

After losing 4 overs to rain, the Denham innings began inauspiciously with Harmeet going first ball. JK also failed on a pitch and against bowling where he should have filled many boots. Heinously tricked into playing a pull shot, JK was later found self-flagellating in the disabled toilet, using his flannel as an impromptu whip, emerging only to put his hands up and say sorry. And drink whisky. Witness! the man loves his Denham so much he finds it necessary to hurt himself, confess to his captain that he has done wrong and then drink himself silly. Perhaps he has found his religion… Denham Catholicism.

That Shepard man then made 43 before Roy Rogers' dog made an unwelcome appearance, however despite a brave performance by Mehta, wickets continued to fall and soon Denham were reduced to playing for the draw. Bravely they took on this task, even as the rain began driving in to their eyes. No stoppage this time. And then number eleven Ralph Rulach joined outstanding stand-in wicket keeper for the day and number ten batsman GS Atwal in what turned out to be a most fiery tenth wicket stand.

To cut a long and potentially libelous story short, it was discovered that although the league rules say that a player/umpire shall count as an official umpire, apparently that isn't what they mean. How one is to determine this from reading the league rules is unclear. Perhaps the league will look to clarify the position of player/umpires. One wonders what would happen in the situation where neither team supplies a dedicated umpire. Are the officials (oh, sorry, they're not officials are they, that's just what the rules say) then unable to make any decision? Thus the umpire supplied by Amersham Hill allowed play to continue in significantly deteriorated light and eventually at a few minutes past 8 under heavy cloud cover an outside edge was found and not dropped with 4 overs to go.

At the post-match press conference, Denham skipper Jack Grover had these words: "Obviously it's disappointing to lose, but there we go, that's cricket. At the end of the day we lost out by not supplying an umpire, and there are some teams in the league who seem to think that in 2nd team 2nd division cricket, providing a dedicated umpire is the be-all and end-all. The league clearly needs to acknowledge that in reality this doesn't always happen and that the position of ad hoc umpires needs to be clarified. I would suggest that their status should fall in line with their legal liability."

When asked to comment on the words that were exchanged in the middle, he said, "Look, it was clear there wasn't going to be any sensible discussion. The game and league officials we were looking to for guidance offered even fewer words on the subject than the league handbook. Ultimately I'd rather we lost putting up a fight in the dark than forfeiting because conditions were unacceptable, and so I asked my batsmen to continue playing at their own personal risk and to them I am grateful. The game was obviously rather more important to the opposition and I hope they are able to go home and laugh themselves to sleep as they dream of bowling bouncers at Ray's dad as he curses them in the manner of a vaguely South African Father Jack Hackett. I do - I imagine I'm Devon Malcolm and that Ray's dad is the entire South African Test team. Ralph bowls me a bouncer and it hits me and I turn to the four giggling Ralph slips and tell them that they are gonna pay for that. And then in my dream I'm running in and I bang in bouncer after bouncer. Bouncy bouncy bouncy. Bang bang bang. Unfortunately in my dreams it's daytime and Ray's dad can see the ball and he keeps hooking me into Archbishop Tennyson's school. So I put on my thick glasses and go back to the changing room and cry into my coffin. It's a dark dream and has given me some sleepless nights. Seriously though, we have already erased this game from our memories, and so I hope the "Hill" are able to go home and rub one out too."

And what plans for the future? "Obviously we're going to take the positives we can from this game. Despite JK's failure, I think the rest of us managed to give them the wind-up pretty good and I liked it. Also Ray made a great tea, and I think that gives us all something to look forward to next week."

Any regrets? "Only that I wasn't within earshot of Ray's dad, when he was being moved by the spirit to testify. In the name of the JK, the Philth, and the Harbourmaster."

In other news, tank-top fans will be pleased to hear that Bill Nicholas was dressed to impress on Saturday, and could be found handing out free pieces of mind to anyone who less than loved their Denham.

Next week Hawridge & Cholesbury.

Denham Sunday XI v Chiswick & Latimer XI

July 12th 2009

And even darker... by RB Sartre

The terrifying river of reflection

The collective mood of the Denham team reached a whole new low during Sunday's game against Chiswick & Latimer after they produced a rather lacklustre performance to lose by 5 wickets with 11 overs to spare. Whilst the opposition certainly enjoyed their comfortable victory and were able to float serenely along in the stream of life, by the close of play the Denham players were left desperately attempting to scramble up the banks of - and away from - the terrifying river of reflection.

The first sign of the malaise to come was a quarrel amongst the Denham players before the game began. It resulted in two deserters and the unfortunate reinstatement of Denham exile and bad-boy Joe O'Hara to the side. Then slowly and surely, the mood worsened as the Denham innings progressed. Several well-placed batsmen, including Mahmood, Rulach and Rai, all returned to the pavilion before making a score worthy of mentioning. In fact the only thing worth mentioning about the Denham innings as a whole was that it was so boring and devoid of excitement that by the end of the 40 overs the Denham players were thoroughly depressed and were struggling to find reasons to continue.

Sufferers of depression are encouraged to bathe in the sun or eat chocolate as either can improve one's mood. It is also a little-known fact that parading yourself around in Marks and Spencer tank-tops can lift your spirits. Yet unfortunately none of these options were available to help the Denham players as they ate an austere and economical tea sans chocolate (and pink wafers) in horribly overcast conditions and Club Chairman Bill Nicholas, a notorious tank-top collector and therefore potential provider, was nowhere to be seen.

Increasingly depressed, moved only by force of habit, the Denham players returned to the field to defend their hopeless score of 177. After being twatted around for 20 overs by the Chiswick pair of Ramdampully and Bitmait, who put on over a hundred for the second wicket, the Denham players were now even more depressed - even more depressed than your mum's tits. Some of the more intelligent (and elderly) players such as Alan Coulson, Club Harbourmaster Steve Bull and scorer Phil Ashworth then made the terrible mistake of consulting Reason to try to think themselves out of their woes. All that resulted was an escalating spiral of negativity that ended in a newly-formed desire to end their cricketing lives.

Bull came perilously close to satisfying this desire when towards the end of the Chiswick innings skipper Harish Bhatt came on to bowl and somehow claimed three wickets with what the Harbourmaster later stated was, "the worst bowling, at any level, in any country, on any continent, in any era of the game."

Even some of the more-laid back Denham players began reflecting on why in fact they were playing as Harish gifted the Chiswick 40 runs off his 4 overs to help them seal an easy victory. Unaccustomed to unhappiness, Bobby Rai came to the conclusion that there was no point, no point at all. Rulach even considered that visiting his girlfriend might possibly have been more fun. And the mammomaniac O'Hara, normally pleased by the mental images of page 3 models in his head, was suddenly so upset that he was unable to imagine said models, and after the game was seen standing in front of the changing room mirror completely naked, staring avidly at his own absolutely massive pectoral muscles. Clearly, he had been deeply disturbed by the day's events.

Fortunately for the younger players in the side, hope and possibility came to their rescue, and it is unlikely that any permanent psychological damage was inflicted by witnessing Bhatt's bowling. However, it was a huge relief for all concerned when the game was ended by scorer Phil Ashworth at the start of the 30th over. The players were ready to play on, but by cleverly gifting some extra extras to the opposition he brought a premature conclusion to the encounter.

The players then left the field and for many it was if they had fallen into a pit of despair. If it hadn't been for Bobby Rai, many would never have escaped. But having pursued his earlier thoughts further Rai managed to cheer up the Denham faithful who were seriously considering retirement. Before he left he delivered these memorable words in the changing-room:

"We have been abandoned to live in a world without objective moral values, and it is clear that nothing really matters. But if this is true, then this doesn't matter either, and therefore we can keep on playing for Denham and living our lives with a spirit of seriousness totally at odds with the meaninglessness of the universe. See you next week Bruvs."

Thanks to Rai's existentialism the players accepted that it didn't matter that they didn't have anything better to do than play cricket for Denham on the Sabbath, and Denham fans will be pleased to hear that there will still be chaos at Cheapside Lane for uncountable Sundays to come…

Next week Farnham Common .

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