Awooga!

There were a number of absentees at Denham CC’c annual president’s game; Sir Stuart Payne, Bobby Rai, Flash, Mark Dalton, Jameel Shaikh, Phil 'The Filth' Ashworth, Dave Maynard and Alan Coulson to name a few. So it was left to James Nicholas to captain the 1st xi, and Joe O'Hara to captain the President's xi.

Usually, the diminished numbers would have put a dampener on things, but the appearance of special guest umpire John Fashanu more than compensated for the poor turnout. Mr.Fashanu, pronounced Fashanu by some, and Fashanu by others – either way it is spelt the same way – brought incredible joy to players and spectators alike with his unique umpiring style. Whenever a four or six was struck, or a batsmen was given out, a loud shout of ‘Awooga’ accompanied the appropriate hand signals.

Indeed three such shouts were heard in the first over, when Akhail Saberwhal sent Jack Grover to the boundary three times as the President's xi looked to score big having put themselves into bat. Akhail continued to bat well until he was lured out of crease by a cunning Alex Mormom delivery and he was stumped for 36. Standing at square leg, John Fashanu answered the voiciferous appeal with the raised finger and ‘Awooga!’ The breakthrough brought Faisal Mahmood to the crease however, and he started to twat all of the bowling around, with JK proving more than adequate support.

In fact the only respite came at drinks, when no bowling was possible. At 120-1 after 20 overs, the players drank perfect orange squash – 1 part orange, 4 parts water – perfectly brought out by club Presdient John Richardson. After downing his cup in one, John Fashanu licked his lips, smiled, and shouted ‘Awooga!’

Shortly after drinks, there was rain for about an hour. But to those who had missed lunch for economic or couldn’t-be-arsed reasons, it was a blessing, as a delightful tea was taken early. Shelia Nicholas had prepared it, and it was fuckin' good. Mr.Fashanu, when asked to comment on the tea, stuck two thumbs up, grinned wildly, and screamed ‘Awooga!’

The Presidents' continued to bash it around after the tea interval and although their innings was shortened to just 30 overs, they managed to amass 221-4, largely due to Faisal Mahmood's brilliant hundred and Harish Bhatt's filthy bowling. There was barely a ruppy in sight for the 1st xi. All that could be deemed good about the innings was the brave and enthusiastic fielding of Barry Moffat.

The sides quickly turned around between innings and were waiting out on the square when it was noticed that Mr.Fashanu and several of the female spectators were nowhere to be found. After several minutes Mr.Fashanu's re-apearrance seemed to be in some doubt, and hope began to fade that the game could continue.

But then came a huge cry of 'Awooga!' from behind the pavilion. The players turned around to see Fashanu running out to the square and before anyone could ask what had happened Mr. Fashanu resumed his position at the standing end and said 'Play...Awooga!' and the game was continued. Slowly and surely the female spectators also returned with mixed looks upon their faces. Indeed some looked to be in quite a lot of pain.

The Presient's xi opted for youth to open the bowling and the two young guns, Lee Moffat and John-Boy-Raithwaite did not disapoint. But it was father and son combination Channy and Sim Cethi who collected the wickets. Cethi junior's audacious spin accounting for Ray Raluch, whose innings of 28 was quite good.

But it was Cethi senior who was most impressive. He was simply Chantastic. In one over, he bowled a pearler, a ruppy, then a pupstallion followed by a rupstallion, then another ruppy, before bowling Bowry with an absolute rupmaster. John Fashanu, unrequired to make a decision since the batsmen was bowled, nethertheless raised his finger and screamed 'Awooga!'

The 1st xi never recovered. Wickets continued to fall and it looked more and more that the President's xi had gone absolutely massive in the first innings. There was some good resisitance from Bitchie Raithwaite though. He had worked his way to 20 with a fine range of shots through midwicket and skipper O'Hara was looking concerned. So he brought on Bitchie's grandson John to try to unsettle him.

John-Boy, only 12 years old, steemed in like a true West-Indian and bowled a perfectly staright delivery to Bitchie first-up, and Bitchie was bamboozled, trying to hoik across the line, and was bowled. Bedlam ensued. The President's xi celebrated hugely. Bitchie was lying face-down on the ground in disbelief. John Fashanu, special guest umpire for the day, repeatedly screamed 'Awooga!'

After some defiant yet ultimately unsuccessful batting from Jack Grover and John-Paul Gates (Dragon, Winter Warrior), and some more enthusiastic cricket from Barry Moffat, the match ended with the 1st xi scoring 141-8 off 30 overs. So the Presdient's xi won by 80 runs and it was time for the presentation.

Usually the man-of-the-match award is given to one of the players, such as Faisal Mahmood, who scored a brilliant century. However, due to an exceptionally unique umpiring display, this year's President's Man-of-the-Match Award was given to none other than special guest umpire John Fashanu. On receiving the award, Mr.Fashanu raised both his arms above his head, grinned wildly, and shouted 'Awooga!'

He was then asked if he would like to return to umpire at Cheapside Lane on more occasions, bringing as he did on this day, such great entertainment to the masses. A concerned philosophical look overcame Mr.Fashanu however. It looked like he was rememebering something. People crept closer and gathered round, eagerly awaiting his answer.

'Ladies and Gentlemen,' he began, 'I have just realised something terrible. According to my calculations, there are some 500 million women on this planet who I have yet to sleep with. I can no longer waste a second on umpiring when so many women are in need. Goodbye.'

Mr.Fashanu then ran off into the distance, leaving the players and fans stunned. There was no shout of 'Awooga!' Most people took the news well and were thankful for just one day in Mr.Fashanu's presence.

Bill Nicholas, sans tanktop, sat outside, smoked heavily and cried.