Denham Sunday XI v Chertsey XI

August 30th 2009

Hemen's Reward for his Seemingly Moral Action...

Having kindly invited Chertsey to play at Cheapside Lane on Sunday, knowing that they were desperate for a game, Denham were expecting the same good-nature to be shown towards their bowlers and batsmen.

 

As it was, from the moment captain Harish Bhatt lost the toss, to the moment Alan Coulson edged behind, Chertsey gave Denham a rather sound thrashing.

 

The start of the Chertsey innings was confident, like their decision to bat first, and runs came easily as few ruppies were bowled by the Denham bowlers. The 5th wicket partnership between Taylor (52) and Hanger (67) then took the game away from the hosts.

 

Hemen Mehta managed to dismiss the pair before a humiliating score was posted, and he also picked off the tail to end with excellent figures of 6 for 42. But despite the late collapse, the damage had already been done, and Denham needed an improbable 266 to win.

 

The tea interval did little to motivate the players to chase such a large score. One of the Chertsey players described it as “absolutely rancid” and none of the home players disagreed. Fotunately, the muslims had Ramadan to rescue them from the cardboard sandwiches and other indescribable filth provided, so the quick-thinking atheists such as Coulson and Raithwaite, plus the entire Chertsey team (as-white-and-middle-class as your mum’s tits) temporarily converted to Islam to save their stomachs.

 

Not-so-quick thinkers Marman and Mehta were left in a horrible quandary. Naturally, they were unwilling to upset the local tea-assistant - who was merely presenting and washing up the filth Sheila Nicholas had created - by refusing the food. But also, they had deep health concerns about eating filth. In the end, Marman chose to fill up a plate, then carefully threw his sandwiches on the floor pretending he had eaten them. On the other hand, Mehta actually ate some of the tea, and as is often the case in life, was not rewarded for his seemingly moral action. On returning his plate of half-eaten sandwiches to the tea-assistant, he was told, in no uncertain words, that he should not have taken so ******* much if he was not going to eat it.

 

So, with the tea left almost completely untouched, the players resumed the match. The Denham faithful hoped that openers Bhatt and Zaheer would get them off to a flying start, but the pair put on only 22 runs. This meant there was too much left for Rai (34) and Mahmood (51) to do, and when they were dismissed the game looked over.

 

Further problems hit Denham when Mehta retired ill from his innings and went to sleep it off in the clubhouse, and it was clear that something special was needed to force a Denham victory. Sadly, Sadiq’s bizarre idea to bat in one of Club Chairman Bill Nicholas’ tank-tops was not it. The grey colured Marks&Spencer Autograph edition put off the other batsmen, who were all out to scuttlers from Shepherd. His figures of 5 wickets for just 6 runs meant Chertsey won by over a hundred runs.

 

With victory secured the now unconverted Chertsey players rushed straight for the bar and began celebrating wildly. The defeated Denham, envious of their enjoyment, were desperate to join in. Recession-hit pockets meant that it was not long before drinking-funds ran out, until the sleeping Mehta was robbed of the money he owed to buy a jug for his six-wicket haul.

 

The celebrations continued long into the night, and the unsuspecting spinner was re-robbed a further five times. Mehta showed no sign of complaining however. He had been dead for hours.