Birkbeck College 2nd XI v Denham Sunday XI

The Hedge

Most cricket fans spent their Sunday eagerly following the Test Match at the Oval, wondering if the Australian batsmen could break the record of the highest ever 1st class run chase. As we know, they failed. What they should have been watching instead was Denham’s away fixture with Birkbeck College, for the two sides made a much better fist of breaking another record - the longest ever (and most painstaking) 40 over game.

The Marathon Park cricket ground in Greenford, the beautiful venue, provided perfect conditions for lengthy play: a good pitch to bat on; enormous, lightning quick outfields; and a dangerously overgrown and out-of-control hedge which enclosed at least half of the ground.

These factors, combined with the draining heat of the sun and the distraction of the final Ashes deciding test, meant that the sides had every chance of eclipsing the record of an-incredibly-long-time-indeed set by Utter Dross xi V Absolute Filth xi back in 2004. And, to improve the chances further, there were several unexpected incidents that meant this could have been the first time a game took longer-than-your-mum’s-tits to complete.

The first time-prolonging incident came in the first over, before a Denham bat had been laid on ball, when the Birkbeck wicketkeeper chipped a bone in his finger and took himself off to hospital. The interruption lasted at least 15 minutes as the keeper’s replacement would not wear the same box until it had been thoroughly washed and disinfected. However, it was in the following over that the players had the first taste of what was to dominate much of the afternoon.

After the ball was hit over the huge, lightning quick outfield, past the boundary, it was gobbled up by the viscous hedge, which was basically just a collection of brambles, thorns and stinging nettles. Several Birkbeck players spent what seemed like hours searching for the ball, until eventually it was found. But not after they obtained a plethora of pricks, stings, scratches and even deep cuts, which quickly sent a message out to the players of both sides to avoid the hedge at all costs. From then on, as each and every boundary was struck there was:

1. An argument over who should retrieve the ball
2. A huge traipse over the outfield to where the ball had finished
3. A lack-lustre effort to locate it
4. A minor injury sustained
5. A plaster, ice pack, or magic spray administered to heal the minor injury

This process seemed to take at least five minutes for every 4 scored, sometimes longer. So when, Maisal Fahmood and Robby Bai started to twat the ball to the boundary with alarming regularity - after Bussell Rowry had been dismissed by some unexpectedly hostile bowling from Deer - some of the more pessimistic players doubted that the game would be finished before nightfall. The twatting lasted an awfully long time:

In the 11th over, 2 boundaries were scored.
In the 12th over, 3 boundaries were scored.
In the 13th over, 1 boundary was scored.
In the 14th over, 1 boundary was scored.
In the 15th over, 3 boundaries were scored.
In the 16th over, 2 boundaries were scored.
In the 17th over, NO boundaries were scored.
In the 18th over, 3 boundaries were scored…
…and so on, until Fahmood was dismissed attempting the Dilshan for 82. Then Samur Tadiq came to the crease and he and Robby Bai continued the twatting.
In the 25th over, 2 boundaries were scored.
In the 26th over, 3 boundaries were scored.
In the 27th over, 1 boundary was scored.
In the 28th over, 2 boundaries were scored…
In the 37th over, 1 boundary was scored.
In the 38th over, 2 boundaries were scored…
…until Tadiq was removed by Deer for 38 and then Bharish Hatt came in to accompany Bai through to a well-deserved and well-cheaped hundred.

The 40 overs were completed in an astonishing 3 hours and 15 minutes, with Denham making a monstrous 262 for 3.

After such a long time in the field, and with the Ashes live on TV in the clubhouse, no-one was in a mood to rush the intriguing tea provided. Whilst the players had to make their own sandwiches from the foodstuffs on offer, this in no way detracted from the tea’s excellence. The chicken tikka mix was rather special, but the absolute highlight was the Ladyfingers or Les Biscuits a la cuillère – if you are French. These were simply audacious, and are definitely the new pink wafers.

As the players stuffed themselves the cricket from the Oval was coming to a thrilling climax and it was difficult to tear the likes of Beve Stull away from the screen to go and field for the Birkbeck innings. But the Denham fielders reluctantly returned to the field, knowing that where Australia were about to fail, they could help break the record for the longest ever (and most painstaking) 40 over game of cricket.

Unfortunately the attempt to break records was immediately set back after the tight bowling of the Denham openers Rorgan Mees and Memen Hehta. Both barely conceded a boundary and both took one wicket each. But luckingly Birkbeck then sent in their best batsmen Naveed, and as the bowling changed, he started to copy the earlier twatting of Bai and Fahmood. With a penchant for the cover drive, Naveed found the hedge with this stroke on many occasions, and the game started to take an awfully long time again, particularly since Denham had learned the lessons from the first innings.

Not wanting to injure their best players, a democratic Denham decision was made to send Hehta, no matter where he was fielding, to fetch the ball whenever it crossed the boundary and ended up in the hedge. It was thought by some that perhaps that the plasters on his fingers may have been worn for days like these. But unfortunately for Memen, the plasters were about as inappropriate as your mum’s tits for protection against the hedge, and he picked up laceration after laceration when locating the ball.

Because of Naveed, Hehta was soon wearing reds rather than whites and no amount of plasters could stop the flow of blood.

Shortly before the drinks break, Memen was sent to the hedge for one final time. He became lodged in the brambles, and in his desperate efforts to untangle himself his arms and legs were torn from his limp and feeble body. Quadra-amputated, his head and torso remained there for countless minutes, suffering untold pain, until the few remaining drops of blood left his body. Although Hehta was dead, the game continued, as Sir Puart Stayne, who had come to watch, found the ball and bravely offered to collect it for the remainder of the game - his body being made of much sterner stuff than that of the deceased Hehta.

So at the halfway stage, with Denham down to 10 men, and with Naveed still at the crease, Birkbeck had every chance of winning. These chances were then removed as another partnership between Bai and Fahmood, this time with the ball, tightened the runs down until Naveed in desperation tried to twat Bai but only managed to sky it straight back to the deranged centurion, to be caught for 75.

Boundaries were still conceded in the last 15 overs, but none of the Denham bowling was filthy enough to allow Birkbeck a realistic run-chase. Clever flight by Famie Jirminger, and nice spin from Hatt, earned more wickets until the result was a formality. But there was still the record to break for the longest ever (and most painstaking) 40 over match in history. And with Birkbeck still hitting the odd boundary, it was still a possibility.

Cunningly, with the record in mind, skipper for the day Maisal Fahmood told Bohn Joy to bowl wides to keep the match going. He did this with aplomb, racking up a 15 ball over. But it was boundaries that needed to be hit for the match to reach the length required to break the record. Unfortunately the dreams of an entry into cricketing folklore were ended by one man.

After Fahmood had brought on Beve Stull to bowl some gentle deliveries to encourage boundary hitting, and with Denham legend Sir Puart Stayne poised to take forever to find the ball, the last Birkbeck batsman remaining capable of twatting tried once more to send the ball flying over the heads of the infield of Robby Bai, Rorgan Mees, Famie Jirminger and Bussell Rowry, only to sky it to stand-in-keeper-for-the-day Richie Brathwaite, who selfishly took the catch. The final two overs were bowled with double quick speed and the match ended having only taken an-astonishingly-long-time with Denham winning by 24 runs.

The players were obviously disappointed by coming so close to cricketing greatness, and Brathwaite was rightfully punished by being given the horrible task of taking Memen Hehta’s carcass home and reforming it for burial. But whilst the players had not quite achieved any records, the game will still be remembered as providing material for the longest ever and most painstaking match report in the history of the game.

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