Denham Sunday XI v Uxbridge 2nd XI

August 16th 2009

Inner Workings...

…Oh no, please, not another Sunday game at Denham. Please no. What am I doing here? There has to be something better. Please God let there be something better. OK, calm down, get a grip. It’s just a few hours. It’s a sunny day. Everything’s going to be fine. Bill, where are you going? What do you mean you need to buy some new tank-tops? Please don’t leave me here with these people. Seriously, please don’t, it’s been a tough week, I’m not sure I’m gonna make it. What? Don’t tell me to….  OK, OK, seriously calm down, it’s gonna be ok, everything’s gonna be fine, just win the toss, bat first, listen to the football, have a beer, chill out, have a perv if the opportunity arises… We’re bowling? What the hell have you done Harish! And why the hell are there two Hashim’s playing? His brother? Why are there only nine players here? Why is Dave Tang captaining? What’s going on? And what’s wrong with you Bobby? You’re not playing!?!? You can’t just leave us because you’re having your period. I know it’s gonna be crap but I’m still playing. Bobby? Bobby?? BOBBY!!! DON’T LEAVE ME HERE… It’s ok. Everything’s gonna be fine, everything’s gonna be fine, everything’s gonna be fine. You want me to bowl? Yeah okay, it’ll help me take my mind off things…

 

…This lot said they were rubbish. Well they are I suppose but I’ve seen a lot worse. Ah for God’s sake why did you have to hit it there. NO IT WENT IN FURTHER TO THE LEFT. NO NOT THERE… HASHIM!! Oh my goodness what is he doing? What? Why is he going in feet first? Please someone tell me what the score in the football is…GOOD STUMPING ALAN! How the hell did he do that? He normally tries to catch the ball with his pads. What? Another one? He’s getting pretty good in his old age… Oh no, don’t bring on Harish yet, wait until they’re 9 down at least. Let Hemen chuck a few more overs in. If I have to stand out here for another 15 minutes then… WELL BOWLED HARISH! How on earth did the batsmen miss that. THAT was ABSOLUTE FILTH! Well I suppose that wasn’t too bad was it? Thank God it’s time for tea…

 

…What, where’s the tea? Where’s Sheila? Who’s making the tea? Yes, but Bobby’s not here. No it’s not going to be fine, the tea can’t just make itself! Someone better make me some goddamned tea right now otherwise… Calm down, calm down, count to ten: one, two, three… The food’s in the fridge? OK, that’s fine, we’ll sort it out. What, this doesn’t make any sense. Why would you go shopping at Marks&Spencer when the club’s got less money than your mum’s tits? And do they sell pink wafers at Marks&Spencer? No way. This is so stupid, what the hell am I doing here…

 

...Now what’s happening? Dave Tang’s opening the batting? But he’s injured isn’t he!? He was weeping on the floor like a baby a minute ago. How can you open the batting when you can’t even run a single? This doesn’t make any sense. Please let this finish so I can go home…

 

…That’s middle Alan, three to come. That’s it, not long to go now, just do some umpiring and then you can go and relax… WIDE BALL! This bowling is atrocious.  WIDE! Please stop bowling such filth, I want to go home. WIDE! Please kill me. Somebody. Anybody. I can take the pain.  NOT OUT. HARISH, GET ME OUT OF HERE!..

 

…There’s no way I’m cleaning up the tea. If anyone asks me to clean up that mess that’ll be it… Look Harish, I made that bloody tea and I’ve been umpiring forever so there’s no way I’m doing it. No Harish, I’m sorry, but I seriously doubt Krishna can help me with the clearing up, but if he can somehow bring my life to an end I really would be grateful. What? No I don’t need to spend some quiet time in the changing room. What are you doing? No, don’t you dare lock me in…

 

...How can he call me mental. There’s no way I’m mental. I don’t wear trousers up to my armpits or think I’m better than Mahendra Singh Dhoni or… OK. Just calm down and everything will be fine, everything will be…

 

…Yes, I’m better now Harish, sorry about earlier. Yes I’ll help put away the sightscreens, but I’ll just have a look at the scorebook. What!? Tang got 89!? But he’s injured. He was crying like a little girl. And why was Bitchie Raithwaite given out? He should never be given out. I don’t care if we won by six wickets if Bitchie only scored 11. No I don’t need more quiet time… Don’t let him touch me he’s got plasters all over his fingers. Why has Hemen got plasters all over his fingers? It makes no sense. Why would you put plasters all over your fingers? Don’t let him touch me…

 

...Everyone knows you can’t buy pink wafers at Marks&Spencer. You’ve got to be even stupider than your mum’s tits to try to buy pink wafers at Marks&Spencer... But it’s ok, it’s ok, everything’s gonna be fine, everything’s gonna be fine, everything’s gonna be fi…fing… fingers. Why does he have plasters on his fingers? It doesn’t make any sense to live your life with plasters all over you fingers. How has he been allowed to live with plasters on his fingers? It makes even less sense than your mum’s plasters, I mean, it makes no sense to live with plasters all over your mum’s…I mean, I mean, I mean… Everything’s gonna be fi…Everything’s gonna be... Everything’s gonna be your mum’s tits…